The final chapter has not been written !!!!

                     Well , here sit on a fall day , the looks great with light blue sky with white puffy clouds floating around . Started my day with bike ride into town ,met with a friend for a slow casual breakfast and coffee . It was a peasant mourning for sure . Ran into a few people I knew from many years ago . It seem as though it was another life time . One thing for sure is life is finally starting to feel normal .
                       I am still thinking about what wrote in my last few blogs , you about how a sixty year old should act . I seen and read a few think since
That made sense . Never act your age and your only as old as you feel . I think sometimes that I am in my twenty's , so I try to do as I did then ,but at times my body will let me , but I doing good for my age ,a five mile ride on my bike seems normal . Last week I did about 26 miles and felt good afterwards . But that statement " is that the way a fifty old should act " , that was made back then . So as sixty approaches , I can't help but wonder what will be expected of me when it does happen . Your age just changes , no books to study given beforehand , and tests are taken . It just happens and then your expected to know . Like it is absorbed by osmosis from the atmosphere or something .
                             All I know is I just keep living and doing what has to be done to make it work . I my take a few wrong turns , but who doesn't . We all had to have been there at some point . I just haven't experienced something's that most adults have at this point . I did not to grow up with my daughter as I should have . So I missed out on that . Through out my my working life I have always been around a lot of young people just starting their adult lives . So I have always had that youthful influence around me . I guess that is not a bad thing . So just how are you going to act . Hell I do know , I just enjoy life as comes and see what happens . The final chapter has not been written .

How am I supposed to act

                        Well , its been only two days since I asked the question " How should a sixty year old act ? " I have two responses to my question , I guess I should feel pretty good about that . I probably doing real good for a blog that only gets ten to thirty hits a day . Yep ,I do not get read by many people ,and don't get any comments very often about what I write. But right now I think I have  valid question . I Know with all the things happening in our world today , that people may pass over this for other things more concerning or entertaining . We live in a busy world , people's lives are bombarded with information constantly . I also know I can expect results in just two days .
                           One answer I got was " it depends "  . Well really that is saying a lot in just two words . Because it could depend on your religion , where you at in the world , your income , even your status in society . So you many different directions with that answer . It just a hard one to go with . But it is a start .
                 The other response I got was " like thirty year old but be twice as good at it . "  Well that was a good answer also but when I was in my Thirty's I don't really think I had my act together . At that time I was living moment to moment . I was letting the people around me ,the place I was at dictate my decisions . I went for what felt good at the moment with thought about the future . I had concept of the fact that I needed to build a life , a future . So that answer does not help me from my experience . It was a good answer though .
                        Maybe I should expand the question a little . How should a sixty year old act , what should they have accomplished , and should they have experienced by then ? I think that covers just about everything . Let me see where that will get me . I know I can not expect much with kind of hits I get , but will not worry to much about it . I have whole year to work on getting the answers and a whole year to improve myself , and where I am at in my life at this point . A lot can happen in 352 days ,  many changes can happen .                       

SURVEY : HOW SHOULD A SIXTY YEAR OLD ACT?

                As sit here thinking a question came to mind . Actually more a memory and thought did . As I am going to be 59 tomorrow , which mean next year I will be sixty . To get to my point when turned fifty , something happened that caused some one I knew to say to me "Is that the way a fifty year should act ? " . Well me being me my answer to that was " Hell I don't know ,turning fifty just happened , there was no test , I was not given a manual . So how in the world one suppose to act .
              With sixty approaching I am asking you all out there to help me . Respond to my blog with what you think a sixty year old should know and how you think he should act . So as I could put together a so called Manuel with you alls help . Think about it , would have helped you if there was some sort of book you could turned to when you reached mile stones in your life . like say twenty , thirty or forty for that matter . Would things be a lot different if there was some sort of guide you could of turned to . So please respond with your answers . And I will respond and share in kind through my blog .Who knows what may come out of this .
                  I would to add ,what should a sixty year should know by then and what should have experienced ?  Please leave some comments , I will use them future blogs this year . That question will be in thoughts trough out the year .

The best I can

                       This one going to take a couple of day to write. I want give this  one a lot thought . For on Thursday is my 59 the birthday . This mourning I got up and rode in to town for breakfast . The little place I went to is only open till two and they do breakfast all day . It just little place , and model cars and trucks all over place .  Fifties stuff all over the place . Its called Mel's Dinner . Its really cool to look at all the stuff . Its the kind of place where the men hang out in a corner and talk all mourning about every in life possible , the ladies also meet each other before going about their daily business . I had a real relaxing slow breakfast , enjoyed just sitting there .
                         I then walked around town checking out stores for a little metal lunch box that I could strap on the back of my bike . So I can carry a little snack or lunch for my long rides that I do occasionally take. I did manage to find something I could use after checking out three stores . I then went the local barbershop to get my hair shaped up . So I could look like something , not rag-a-muffin .
                           What this all have to do with my writing a long thoughtful blog ,that will take a couple of days to write . Well , if you don't know by now ,you have not been reading my blog all the long . Its all about feeling good about myself and moving toward with my life . Here I am turning 59 and starting all over again from scratch . I have been taking small steps to moving toward , with the job I have now its all about moving forward ,getting the cash flowing again . Once I get some form of motorized transportation , I can think about some serious job hunting . Something with benefits , full time ( yes , gotta have more hours ) and something where I can stand my own two feet . Something that I can build a future on .
                                 I have been very much at peace with myself and trying very hard to be that way . I also trying very hard not to be a burden on my family , been trying to be as helpful as I can for them . I look back on the years my life I see I have many , many wrong choices . A lot of times it was I was blind or ignorant of the the true facts of what was really going on . I was so intent on making things work  and long lasting I just didn't see or just didn't want see what was really happening behind the scene's. My professional life was great I had that under control , it was my personal life that spiraled . I am just very good at choosing life partners . They all say they looking for the something ,when really they are want their cake and everyone else's too . So I am realizing that I will spending the rest of my life by myself . Because no will look after me better than me and my family . I am not say relationships are bad , they are not . They are great if all are on equal footing and pull in the same direction .I just feel that after the many times I have tried and failed at this late stage of the game it not in the cards for me . It not the lack trying , its that I do not have it in me any more . I believe if I want company , it will have to be a dog or cat for me . They don't ask much of you , just make sure they are feed , healthy ant get some of your time . They always be there for you , and glad to see you all the time .
                                      I know not what lays ahead for me but I will take it on the best I can .

Just riding my bike

                      Well , yesterday mourning I went for a bike ride to a neighboring town , I took nothing but back roads the whole trip . In fact it was mostly dirt roads through a lot of farm land . It was very peaceful ride .I can tell you I was in no hurry to get there . It was OK , I'll turn here and see where this takes me . At the same time I proved to myself ,that you can not be lost around here . All the roads going east and west are named with the alphabet , all north and south are numerically named like 1 mile , 2 mile and so on .
                       Back to the ride , like I said I was in no hurry to get any where . I doubt I had the bike any higher than fifth gear , for the most part it was third and fourth all the way . It was going at a slow pace . I took in all the fields of crops , the woods that I rode through , the many streams I past over . Saw lots of farm houses ,many barns , silos and many different kinds of farm equipment along the way .  For the most part I was alone in my thoughts . The funny thing is I don't remember any of them except that I wanted to go to a buffet when I got back . What wonderful way to clear your head and be at peace with your self . And yes , we went to a buffet later in the day  . A wonderful way to top of a day is with a good big meal and afterward try to watch some football . When say try to watch , I mean it watched me more than watched it .
                            And so I retired early to the trailer and went to sleep . It was pretty much a clear night out . You saw a lot of stars and a few clouds in the sky .It did get a little chilly though , but that made for some good Sleeping . The chilly air did make it hard to get out from the covers . But I am glad I did because there is a beautiful blue sky with lots white puffy clouds this mourning . Had my pancakes and coffee at the picnic table under them . I think week I will go for a long bike ride in honer of my 59th birthday . Maybe try for a fifty nine mile ride or as close to it as I can get . We will see all depends on what my work schedule looks like . When do that ride I will try to write a blog about as much of the ride I can .

We will see

                    Here I am sitting in the screened room on the farm ,feeling a nice cool breeze , your can hear the leaves rustling . The birds are chirping  and the sun trying to fight its way through the clouds . There was a good storms during the night , that lasted till after the sun came up , expecting more tonight . I am hoping they will wait till I get to work though . It is so quiet here , I have up here since late June and I am still amazed by how quiet it is here .
                       When go on my bike rides , I see large open fields of crops every where I go , and not forgetting the patches trees scattered all over . Then riding has become very relaxing , and has become easier to go long all day rides . There is really so much to do around here and to see .
                        Since the beginning of summer I have gotten to where I watch very little TV .I am not as up to date , as to what is going on in the world . But living out here in the country it is just easy to get busy with something or not be busy and forget about the out side world . Yes , I know I should be paying attention , but what news you get is so slanted one way or other . So you don't know if you are getting the whole story .
                            Out here you get a lot of time to think or even not think . Shoot , not thinking is so easy to to do here . You can get relaxed sitting here looking over the fields ,right into the woods ; that you can loose yourself . All concept of time just disappears . Before you know it you look up and its time to go to work . Easily you can loose track of what day of week it .
                                Yes I made the right move , by come back home . I not making what I was , but I am at lest seeing my pay check and at least last me more than couple days . I am no longer getting that daily drama of so called emergencies . I can now think of and work on future needs . Not just the right now . I calmly just let the money just sit there till I need it . At this pace I can and will be on my feet in no time . Hopefully in four weeks I can have some sort of motorized transportation . Then I can really do some searching for a more steady income with a future and benefits . So tell me am I in the right frame of mind . Am I going about this in the right way . We will see .

Not waiting anymore

                             You know something , Its hard to make changes in your life . Here I gave up a damn good job in the city , because poor decisions in my personal life .If it was not for those decisions I would be probably in a good place right now in my life . I right now worry about not doing enough in moving forward , to be honest I possibly not doing enough . I help out my brother where ever I can around the house and farm . I know that is not enough . I really should by all rights be on my own two feet ,in my own place and able to get myself to and back from where I need to be .
                                 To be perfectly honest at times I do not know what should be doing to get there . I at times think I am passing up opportunities or not recognizing them when they arise . Beginning on Monday I am going to , no scratch that I must start spending a lot of time on line to find better opportunities . Part of what's slowing me down is transportation . Two more paydays I will have the money for a moped , will have start studying for the test and find a way to get there to take it . I will then start looking real hard at places in Battle Creek , Marshall or even Kalamazoo . I have quit dreaming about winning the lottery to solve my problems , like have for so many years . Don't get me wrong I am going to still play it . You can't win unless your in it .
                                  Seriously , I will have to come up with something , I really do not have many working years left in me . I am thinking though the winter project my brother have planed , could turn into a good side thing if I take my time and do a good job on it . Hopefully , when we take the canoes will build out the lakes they will be noticed . Maybe someone will ask about them , and ask us to build one for them . That a long way down the road . I have to think about now , the short term . What I need to do get me there . Basically I have get off my lazy butt . Yes said it lazy butt . I do and can be a bit lazy . One I have Changed is my addiction to TV . I am not watching it constantly and letting it control my time . I do need to get myself around people , that is where the best contacts are made when searching for good job . I am going to start going to church with my brother more . It is the one mom took us to when I lived here before . I do have some history with this church . I did the brick work on the sign out front . Maybe just to get involved with stuff around here . I cannot wait for things to come to me , if I do do nothing will change .
                            It awfully easy , just to back a wait for things to come your way . It's much difficult to go out there to find it . Only thing is you have to go online to find opportunities , it's not like the good old day's ; where you knocked on doors , shook peoples hand and looked them in the eye to show serious your were .about working for them . You have to apply online and hope your resume catches someone's eye . Then go through several interviews for them to consider you . During those interviews you have on your toes for any question they have . You have to be the best of yourself you can be and hope it is what they are looking for .
                              During this time of my life I would have never thought that I would be going through this . My dropping everything and leaving an uncomfortable situation was the hardest decision I ever made . In my late fifties I am exactly where I was when I was in my early twenties when I joined the Air Force . Right now I am wishing , no a better way to put it I am regretting not staying in ,like I could have .  But we can not dwell on decisions we should have made . That one of many decisions in my life I should made to go on a deferent path . I can not waste my time on thinking about this . Because each and every day we are faced with those kind of decisions . The what ifs are of no consequence , you are where are now and that is what you have to work with .

Some coffee ,a bike ride , hot dogs and thoughts

             Yep , today is better day for me . Off work the sun is out , had a nice mourning bike ride and now in town at a coffee shop . I have had few good days at work to , What really nice my home town is really quite , I am sitting at tables outside , sipping on my coffee and enjoying a muffin . From where I sitting I can see everything going on downtown . Its funny when I was in Charlotte NC , I always said I was going uptown . Really don't see to much happening here . A little bit of traffic , few people going to and fro about their business . May maybe you might see a few people stopping and chatting .
                I sitting in a cool spot at these bistro table outside the coffee shop . I am really the only one at the shop other than the people who work here . Since I moved back to the town I finished high school at . I really have not run into to many people who remember me . Although Sunday at church this old guy remembered I built the sign out front around 38 years ago . That kinda helped feel a little proud , some one remembered something I did . Shoot , here I am calling someone an old guy , I am pretty much one my self . Although I do still try to do things as if I am not , my body  reminds of that I am not at times . 
             When riding in I took one of the side roads that took me into town the back way . It was mostly dirt roads all the way . Didn't see to many people ,other than a tractor mowing the edges of the road and maybe a truck or two . It was all corn , soy fields and woods all the way . The side road in town had lots of old houses on them . There was a rather large farming operation on the way in also . Lots large barns, silo's , and some heavy duty farm equipment . Having graduated high school here it should seem normal to me , but remember I left some thirty-five years ago . 
                  Motorcycle's are a big thing here , you a lot big Harleys all around . And because all the rivers and lakes , you see a lot of kayaks and bass boats . What am I thinking , this is the Great Lakes State . 
                  The one thing I am a little apprehensive about is winter ,it is not far away . Yes know its got little to go till it gets here . The leaves on the trees are still green , they have not even started to change . That would be wonderful to see . I have been to far south for to long I guess .
                  Well I am adding to this post , its the end of the ride for me today . Rode  total of twenty seven miles today . Ten miles into town for some coffee and shopping . Took my time for that . Then of all things I rode about eight and half miles just to get two hot dogs and coke . It was at Station 66 on Mich Route 66 , and they were not any hotdogs . They were what they called Battle Creek dogs . They had smoked bacon , yes I said it bacon , grilled onions and cheese sauce , mmmm . The ride most relaxing and it was such a nice day for a ride . There is something to be said about what a bike ride in the county can do for your spirit .  There was great looking landscape and nice blue sky with some puffs of clouds in the sky . It didn't hurt that at the places I stopped at there were some nice looking ladies too . Saw a lot of tractors and trucks a long the ride . Oh yes , the motorcycles were out in force . This is a far cry from the city where I came from . Since I came back here to Michigan I have been more relaxed and calmer .It been a good change , still have a long way to go get where I was before . It will come in time .

Here's to felling lost

          This mourning when I woke up was a little cold , which is probably normal for Michigan this time of year . I really don't know for sure , the last real fall I experienced was in 1983 . That's when left , to go south with no real plan for my future . That may be the reason the reason my life is in the shape its in now . Living in a camper trailer ,a bike for transportation , and working a low wage job . I have no one to blame for my choice's but myself .
           I have to work tonight , and find myself with not much to occupy my with . I am living on my brothers farm so there not much here that belongs to me . I only just started the rebuilding process , so I don't have much of my own here . Can't really touch much of my money , because I need to save to get better transportation ,winter clothes that I do not have , and most important a place of my own to live . These are my short term goals . So there are a lot of things I must first think of before I do anything else .
               So there is the problem , a lot of down time , with not much of my own to occupy it with . School started , so my brother had start work again . So I guess the bailing hay is done for now . I spent the last three day's now mowing the three acres of lawn to occupy my time . It was very calming on the riding lawn mower . The reason I am writing about this is I Found my self feeling lost ; wondering what am I going to do with my time . I am also trying not to be to much in the way of my family here . At the same time I am doing my best to be helpful to them . Let's be honest , right now I probably be living on the streets with nothing to my name without their help . For that I very grateful and humbled . I really in my heart do not want to let them down , so each step I take must be the right choice  , and stick and be towards to goal of being on my own two feet .
                    My brother came up with a project for the winter , build a couple of wood strip canoes . I like the idea . But first things first before I come up with a couple of hundred dollars for this . My other needs come first . None the less I willcome up with the money to do this . I would love to have my own single man canoe next spring . Go out on the river and lake do some exploring ,take pictures and maybe some fishing to . The fishing I really have done to much of in my life . I guess could Learn on the job . I have tried a couple of times in Florida and really sucked at it . Now that I am older maybe I now have patience for it . Who knows I maybe good at it .
                     Another thing I could do that don't cost much is get back into my reading . There are a lot books around the farm that my dad left behind . He loved to read ,if there was something he wanted to know he bought a book about and read it . I guess I could do the same thing with my time . The mind is a tearable thing to waste , I might well exercise it to . Because my body gets a lot of that with all the bike riding I do .
                        On that note the fall probably a good time to do a lot of riding . With all the farms starting to harvest their crop's , the leaves will begin to change colours. So there will be a lot to see and take pictures of . Its been a long time since I have seen a real fall . Not to forget the football to watch when I can . Need to find out what radio station Michigan Wolverine's air their games . Ops ,sorry that is a note to my self ,did not for that to get in there . Thanksgiving is not to far away , I haven't done one of those in some time . I do have that to look toward to .
                       You see , the reason I went trough this exercise today is , I found myself at an loss for what am I going to next when got up this cold and chilly mourning . I wondered what am going to do to make some progress . It will be going slow , but I now realize I made some strides towards getting on my own two feet . One tends to forget progress is always slow going . You just have to find ways to stay focussed . So what will I do today before work . It looks like we may get some rain today . I do hope it stay's clear enough for me to ride my bike to work . Well looks like I will make some coffee and sandwiches . And settle in and read till its time to go .

IRRELEVANT

                Well , this mourning I am sitting here drinking my coffee waiting for the mourning dew to dry off , so I can Finnish mowing the lawns . There is something relaxing about being on that riding lawn mower . The nothing to think about but steering it safely around the yard . You have nothing time to let your mind go where it wants to go or needs to go . While on there , there is not a lot of demands of your attention ; so it can be pretty narrow . Good therapy for you , especially for me with all that am trying to recover and rebuild from . I guess you can call it a form of meditation .
                    The past two days I spent a couple of hours each working on the yard . I felt relaxed and ready for my bike ride into work and work it self . At the of the day I felt good of myself , although when I played down my eyes would not close for the life of me . I just laid there wide awake . But on the other hand if I did I would missed the clear sky last night . You could the stars every where , not a cloud blocking them , not forget about listening to the crickets and frogs singing their songs . At one point I could hear a bunch of dogs of in the distance  , some one must of been hunting raccoon or something . It sounded like they had something treed or surrounded . Amazing the things you can hear out here on the farm or see in the night sky .  Kind of makes all the past problems and the things that your going through to solve them irrelevant . I guess you can say I am making progress .

Making it count

               Well yes it has been a few days since my last post . I have been kind of busy though ,helped my brother with the hay in the field , a unsuccessful bike where I ended up trying to out run a thunderstorm back to the farm ; I just made made it . When I got to the farm it had been raining for about five minutes and could hear lighting in the back ground . Monday I finally made that Thirteen mile ride that had tried on Saturday . It was a pleasant and quick ride , did it in two hours . Past two days I have been busy with work and mowing my brothers yard . I got started to early , I should have waited a little longer for the dew to burn off .
                   You know that's a little problem I have , sometimes I can be a little inpatient . I find with most things I do . I just get busy , at times I just get started to early or I try to rush to get it done . There is a right time to start things , and sometimes you just have wait a little for the right time . I am finding that with starting over . There many steps you have take and some steps pop up that you don't plan on . And before you go on you have take care of them before you continue on your plan . Always must at the ready for the unexpected to slow you down . Just don't let it stop you from reaching the ultimate goals .
                    Yes it has been slow going for me , but this time will be and must be last time I go through this . So I must be sure each step will be a solid step , and anyone I let in my life must be someone wort knowing . I can't let things in things or people in that can impede my progress . The time is now making the best decisions possible . I do not have time to make one step forward and two back  . Everyone I take must count .

To Cat or not to Cat

               Today , I kind of feel good about my progress in moving with my life . This week I have able to move around independently , because of my evening able to ride around on my bike . I checked out where some apartments are at around town , I also applied for a second job . ( It will take two jobs to get on my feet again , and lots of sacrifice's on my part ) . I also yesterday loaded up a wagon of hay by myself . They meant I drove the tractor around the field with hay wagon and picked the bails and loaded them ,stacked them by myself . got most of the field done in a couple of hours .
                 Thanks to all this activity I am finally losing my stomach , my abs around showing up after being AWOL for so many years . My pants are starting to get lose in the waist .
                 This week I also walked around the field and found where the deer been hanging out at . That same day at night I saw about eight deer on the hill near there . I walked up to them and got about a couple of hundred feet of them before they bolted . I believe things are going to be alright before the end of the year . Hopefully I will be where I can have a pet . I am thinking a cat maybe two . It don't take much effort to care for them and when what your attention they will come to you . You just have to put out food and water for them when needed . When they're kittens they can be a lot fun to play with .
                     See this why I think things are going to get better is because I am making some kind of plans to the future . OK , maybe they are not big plans but they are plans none the less . I have not forgotten my plan to build a canoe over the winter . Progress is being made it may not be in a grand scale , but it is being made .

It's going to be a long hard ride

               Well been riding my bike to work now for a week , starting feel like I am in better shape also . Today took a ride into town for some lunch , stopped by job and checked out where some apartments are . I think the ride today was about fifteen miles . I took the long way back to the house which took me my cousin's house . It wouldn't have been right to pass by and not chatted with the a while . So I did , it was a welcome rest , good conversation , not mention the air-conditioning felt good . When left there it was only a ten minute ride . All in all its been a good day .
                I have making strides to get back own two feet , hopefully this other job comes through ,I could be in my own place before winter sets in .I come to the realization that it will take two jobs to get on my feet . It ain't like I can count on the lottery to save the day , it would be nice but it not gonna happen . One can always dream about it though . I so want to repay my family for what help they have given me and then some . I hope to do this one day .
                  I can say this I am more positive about the future now , than was six months ago . It seemed as though there was no way out , that doomed to that existence . I now there is always a way out , you just have to be willing to make the move .