First day of work in

              It been a while since I worked as a line cook , have work hard at getting my chops back . Work the hospital like I did or even doing hay don't, even come close to working as a line cook . Half the battle is in the prep and knowing where everything is at .Well  that's not all of a good understanding of the menu . You also have to get along with the wait staff and the others in the kitchen .
                  Give me a couple of weeks and I hopefully will be on top of things in that kitchen . I am looking for a job that I can call home . I always tried to work a places long enough that it can be called mine .
                  Take the hospital for instance , I was there almost ten years , I developed the third shift position I held . But also you tend to work harder when your name is on the building , so to speak . Well when I worked construction when first got to Charlotte I hung the marble on the tower when it was built . On the back of one of the stones on the overhang ; I carved my name in it . So I felt responsible and ownership over what needed to be done .
                 Then when I was at the hotel , we were there so many hours that the people I worked felt like family . The guests were welcomed to our home . We worked hard together to see that their needs were met . Some weeks we were there at least one hundred hours a week . So we got to know each other very well . I hated that that job ended because it closed , because he sold it .
                To tell the truth I hated the fact that I left Charlotte NC altogether .When you live some where Twenty - five years , you kind of put roots down . You have friends and people you met or worked with all over town . You kind of get to know the city .You become a fan of the football team , you even like the basketball team . Heck you even think about going to a baseball game when you think its a boring game . I even went to see a play at the theatre . Oh let's not forget the art gallery crawls I went on . All this was brought down because the woman I loved got got involved in things I could not live with .
                   So I find myself having to build my life all over again . I can't think of any where better than here where I have family . The y have been a good support system . I going to be hard for to depend on there help when for the last 38 years all I had was me to depend on . On top of that I have to work my out of hole .I am starting over with nothing but my clothes . By all rights I should be in a better position in my life . But you know I will come out of this better and stronger than before .

Who would of thought

                  It has just a little over a week since I left a bad situation behind . It was not an easy decision . I was leaving a 12 year old relationship turned into something of which had made me uncomfortable . If had not of left , the situations I found myself in were not very kosher . I also left a good job that I liked , I was there almost ten years . Then were her grandchildren that I was around since their birth , and do forget the dog I loved . So as you can see it was not decision that could be easily made . I ended up doing what was best for me .
                  Within a week I had left a city that had lived in for 25 years and liked , and moved back to my home town that left back in 1977 . I had helped my brothers put hay for farms this past week and found a job that start tomorrow . So a lot of changes in my life . I even in my mind made plans to build a canoe , so I can be ready for next spring and summer of recreation . there are a lot of rivers and lakes around . I am finding that my future has brighter outlook than it was in over week ago .
                   Yes it was a bad feeling I had then . I felt like I was sinking quicksand . It was like I had no where to turn . I was living in a city where I had no family , it seemed there was no one to trust there . There was one that could turn to for help or even talk to .I could not turn to the people I worked with for you have to keep your work life separate from home life .It just not professional . At one point I didn't know what I was going to do .
                       I then got in contact with my brother whom offered to help , but made sure that had to be my decision . So he came and rescued me .  I have been depending on the help of my all my family here . They have been very supportive . Even my sister and daughter , all of whom live in other states . I have been reminded by many family members that in this time need and rebuilding , this is where I belong . I am very much more relaxed and finally comfortable in my own skin .
                        So in my future entry's I will probably be more positive . I will talking about my progress in reestablishing myself here . Maybe my progress on my canoe . I may even get started again on my book idea I have talking about for last couple years . All I know things are just looking up . Well until next time and do not underestimate the power of family . Something I forgot .

Settled

                         Its been busy couple of days for me , with job hunting for me ; a job interview that went south ,picked up an application for a grocery store , got my online profile at three sites , applied at a dozen or so jobs ,and have lead for two places in my home town . Something bound to turn up .
                         My brothers have plenty of work to do around the farms . Hay to be baled and put up in the barns by Saturday night . They have bee cutting for the last two days .It should be dry by Thursday . Right now I am sitting in front of the old homestead enjoying the cool breeze and the quiet . Its just so amazing the difference between now and a week ago .
                      Everyone here telling me how important , and good that I am back up here with family . Maybe so . I have not been around family like this since 1984 , that is quite some time , I have not been this relaxed in some time now . All have to is get me some work now . Place to stay has been taken care of . Just money to feed myself and get me to where I need to be . Loving myself now .

First sunday

           Well the first mourning on the farm . This Sunday the plan is to go to brother's church . Him and his family are into that sort of thing . Pray before dinner and so forth . I will go to see how that works out . Its been many years since I have gone .                  
              Monday start the job search , I know I will find anything on the first day , but here is to hoping . Last night I did not have to put up with all the traffic in out of the house . It was nice , all that is just not needed . I am going to have to learn how to get around here on my own like I did in Charlotte . That will a challenge with the way things are spread out . The bigger challenge is find a job for people approaching 60 . Its going to be challenging time in my life . I have to do for myself ,for now .

Off to new start somehow

             Well , I gone done it . I have made the hard decision , I have picked up stakes  , and left a relationship of Twelve years . Things were not as they seemed . I found in the last few months she put me some uncomfortable situations . These will not go into . There no need to for I am putting them behind me .
                I have the kindness of my baby brother to thank for helping me get of there . Today not even been here a day I helped gather together some firewood for winter. Filled an application for job at Kellogg's . Did more work , sweated more than I have in a long time .
              I plan on being employed before long , in my own place and my to being me . What ever that is , I do not plan on putting up with no mess just to be someone whom looks at as an afterthought or as in the way ,but she finally realized that you can leave all of a sudden they miss you and need you .
               When I said I can't do this no more , I meant it . There many times I thought the only way out was to jump of bridge in to traffic . It was just not a meaningful existence I was living . I plan getting me back what ever that is .

My Name is Not Tiny Tim

                At present moment I have no idea what future holds for me for tomorrow I am taking a huge leap of faith in myself . I am leaving everything I know ,including , what some consider a good job . I am making this change because I seem to have no control over my personal life . The only way I can see how to end the cycle , is to completely walk away .
                  Do not get me wrong I love the people in my life , they have been a part of it for nearly twelve years . I just that the women I love is not any good with money and now that we live together its not working out .  Situations keep coming up that I am not comfortable with . A times thing tend be on the shady side .Its just much of a change for me to like . We are always on verge of loosing everything . It to much of distraction for me to live and work with .
                     I know its late in the game for a sixty year old to start over again but I am in position that I have no choice . I will spending the rest of my life working to get out of this hole . I may never be able to retire . Its a fact I have to live with . I do feel that I am letting a lot of people down .
                    Its going to be hard with the present state that nation is in . I hopeful that we the people will effect that change in the coming elections . The man I am looking at is Trump .
We have had nothing but lawyers in office . My what we need is business man in office . Someone that understands the concept of you can't  make money without it . And looks at the bottom line " like is this really worth the money and the benefit received . Some who at afraid , and will not apologize for our being who we are . Its always are we going to offend someone by what we say or do .My name is not Tiny Tim , I will not tip toe through the tulips . I will stomp on them to make a better future for me and my country . Its time make that stand . By effecting this change in my life , I am saying I am sick and tired . I am not to take it anymore , its high time I get mine .

Lost my thoughts

                  Today , is a new start . I have come to realize that every you can not control everything that happens in your life . There are some things that just happen ,and you have work with it as is . This is especially true when you people in your life that are close to you . This has been the source of the drama and problems in my life at this time .
                   They go and do things you may not approve of , with out considering how they do affects everyone around them ; or even how long it will take to straighten it out . Not only that , it affects you in other areas as well . I borrowed this book from the library , yesterday I read about a hundred pages and right now at this time I can't tell a thing about I read .  I did not retain a single thing , I found myself forcing my way through it . The hell of it is I really what to understand the material . Its all suppose to help me toward accomplishing one of my goals . So at this I am confused about where to go from here . Is true you can not teach an old dog new tricks . I am going to go to library to see if there is something a little understandable for me .
                        Sorry I went off topic for a little . If you been reading my blog for awhile , you would already know that I tend to do that . The problem I have is with my relationship , at times it seems it not what I am looking for ,others it seems to work for us . You see I have spent most my life by myself, also missed out on family life . Never really went all out to celebrate holidays , birthdays and such . There was no need , it was just me and I worked most of them . I helped others celebrate them but I didn't . It just another day on the job . I missed out on growing up with my daughter . So lack some of the skill sets I would have learned to deal with grandchildren and family . I look back and see there is a whole lot that I missed in my life . Don't read this wrong , I am not complaining ,just wishing I had made other choices . I just cruised trough life thinking it would work itself out with little or no effort from me .
                              That puts me in the position that I am trying too work this out on my own at this late stage of the game . I am now trying to capture the feeling of a family life. I find that I am making mistakes on a daily basis . Me and my lady are trying to work this ,and other issues out . Its kind of hard though with a blended family for two fairly different cultures . It a lot of work , times I have no idea of what am doing . I have been finding that a lot with other things in my life .
                               I have been finding that I want to reconnect with my own family and don't know how . It just so hard to sit down and open up and share my life's happenings ,the good and bad . They have the things going on in their life's that long for in my own . Look at them and me it seems to be that we are in different worlds . I am still working hard just make my ends meet . Honestly lately that has not been happening . Well that is enough of me and my wondering thought process .  So I going to end it here before I get lost and end up somewhere I do not want be .

Thanks

               These are great people doing some good work .The Coalition to Un-Chain dogs of Charlotte NC . I met some nicest group of people whom volunteer their time to see to the welfare dogs ,whom might otherwise live in less than desirable conditions .
             This mourning they came over to set up a fenced in play area for my dog lady . She is loving it ,as with me . It with a conversation with them ,in which they offered to spay and give her shots among others things needed done . They with in a couple months put the fence . A more pleasant group of people I could of met . They came and set the fence and gave Lady all the attention she ever wanted . She loved them all .
                  As the day went on ,I watched her play with her toys , explore the area and found comfort and rest in the shade. This doing the community a service and giving dogs aid and comfort that they deserve . I can not thank them enough .

Day later

                       Yes ,it been less than twenty four hours since my last post ; and still there is a positive attitude about everything . Last night ,me and my lady had a good night . Watched some television , cooked dinner ,and had a beer . Our relationship is rather complicated , but we have been in each others life's for so long . We can not imagine it without each other , yes of coarse we go through our rough spots .
                        Today I plan on getting some serious reading done . I borrowed a book on ancient roman life , to help in my book project . I have always learn about the Roman Empire since I was teenager .  I first saw a three volume set of books on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire in my dads library , but dad would not let me read them because it would be boring . I now have those very books in my own library . You know something ,Dad was right . They were some of the driest reading I had done . I forced my way through them , I do not think I retained  any of what should of learned from them . Yet I still want to learn more about it .Yea I am heading into sixties ,but that should mean I have more time to work on it . Anyway that subject is the foundation of my project I have been working on since I started this blog . In the time I spent this ,over the years the idea grew out of this .
                              Out of this ,also I learned of many issues I have . Some I worked on others I haven't . I have a serious procrastination problem . Some of it I hesitant to face up to . I'm trying to get past it . One day at time ,one small step at a time . At times it gets overwhelming because its hard to know where to start . I have admitted to my self , that I never grew up . I had an attitude of don't worry it will take care of itself . Well I was wrong .No one going do it for you , the only one who can take of you is you . Everyone busy doing themselves . It been and was a hard lesson to learn and still learning it .
                      

Finally back to work

            After many set backs I can finally get back to work on my blog , my book idea and take some classes online . No need to go into what my set backs were , other than everything is being worked out . Hopefully I will not have to give them much thought to much longer . As with passing  day thing are getting better .
                   At present , with the day off  I am at the library reading a book on the topic of my project . The subject matter is very interesting . I have applied for a library card online , just have to pass by the desk to verify who I am . I know what your thinking ,a man your age doesn't have card . Well just never got around to it .
                  All my personal problems I had wrote about are kind off working themselves out . Not in the way I hoped none the less ; they are being put the past . The money problems are still there but being worked out , I working on gaining some control over them . I also have to find a lawyer to put something behind me that I had neglected for far to long . I am still married to woman that walked out my life some fifteen years or so . First I have no idea where she is at , we have not talked in about as long . Only reason I had not done anything was that she was not bothering me . I did not miss a drunk that I came home , whom wanted to fight to all hours of the night . Not only that I had to deal with her unfaithfulness too . So when ran off with the guy she did it was more a relief than anything else .
                        I am at a point in my life , that it is high time I clear up all my loose ends . So to speak , get my act together , in my private life and professional as well . Time to get of my butt and stop letting life pass me by . My fifty-ninth birthday is coming up in a couple months . So going to be a busy couple of months . I will start by taking care myself by making a doctors appointment which very much over due . The rest I have no idea of where to start , but will " make it happen " as I so often say at work .
                         Now about my job I don't like to talk about it on it here or anywhere on the internet ,for the obvious reasons . Discussing your job positively or negatively could be cause to loose your job . I just going the next couple of months will be interesting with the changes happening . So if  changes are happening there , why not take the hint make some elsewhere . So that by the first of next year I will be in a better place . When I finally reach sixty I will be in a place I want to be .
                            I can not forget my sister and I made plans to go home to Michigan next year . Also before I reach sixty I need to visit my Daughter in Florida and meet her husband a daughter . I am very proud of how she has turned out . Much of what she has done in her life was without me being there . A  fact I am not so very proud of  , but she has done good for self . But I can do the best I can now to try to be in her life .