Who needs sleep

               Here it is 2:00 in the am and I can't sleep . I don't know why because yesterday I put in a long day . It started at nine in the mourning ; I help my brother put almost 500 bales of hay in the barn and still went and worked my regular job . You something that long day felt good . I feel like I done something worthwhile . I know  my body is sore all over right now ,and I should be tired but instead I am sitting here at this picnic table in the dark writing this blog entry .
                It is so dark out here I barely see fifty feet in front of me with out a light . I can here the sounds of frogs and crickets out there some where and the meow off the occasional cat here on the farm . There is a little chill in the air , enough so that I put on a wool cap and light jacket . It sure feels good out in the country . Hard work , good food , and family getting together to get the job done .
                 To tell the truth I do not miss the city that much at all . I am not feeling as though I have to keep my guard up all the time any more .
                 Last night while I was working I did get chance to see some friendly faces of people whom I went school with while at work . I did not recognize many mainly because its been 40 years since I have seen many of them . But hope to have a chance to see more of them now that am back home .
                    I am fortunate to have this chance to start my life new , leaving behind much of what has made life hard these past few years . I feel I can make my life work this time . I have only couple plans on the block at this time . I am just going to keep it simple for now . I going to what needs to be done to make toward progress , with hard work , and sticking to the plan .

Sumptin will happen

           Here it is three week since I have arrived in Michigan , the place call home . The reason I say that is that I am a military brat , we lived in several places while I was growing up . This is where I went High School , this where I gained my work ethic by working neighboring farms and most of all this where my Dad came to retire . Which also was his boyhood home . Every has a place to which they anchor their lives too , where there roots and family history is . A place too which brings them comfort .
                 I have able to rest and get much needed sleep in between work and all the hay I have been putting up . One thing I did have to get used is how quiet it is at night . Gone are the jets taking of all day and night ; the train rolling in at all hours and certainly the sirens from the Police ,fire trucks and ambulances . I have the neighbors arguing and parting at all hours . Yes it peaceful , you may hear the dogs in the area barking or gun shot every so often , but that is normal for the country .
                I do miss the transportation system of the city but you have to make some trade offs , don't you . I will make things work here , so things are sort of following my plan . It will be better when I finally get in my own place and not be in the way of my brothers lives . When can finally get on with my life . Right the important things come first food , shelter and transportation ; the rest will fill itself in . But I can say life will eventually get better . I have remain positive and make it work for . I have to be realistic though I can't expect it to as good as want it to be . Shoot I am almost 60 , so don't have much time to make the rest of my life as good as I need it to be . I may not ever be able to retire , but that is price I must pay for the choices I have made . Something will happen .

Finding my place

                     Well I have made a week on my new job . Now to start the long process to bring some since of normalcy in my life . First step transportation , then a place to live in town , a Michigan state Id  , and the right kind of friends . Yes I have here almost three weeks , so I guess I come a long way .
                     I have got to find my own things to occupy my time when not at work . I been keeping busy helping my brothers on their farms with the hay but I need to find something of my own to work on . You know my own place of sanity . After playing around with my brother's grandson's kitten , I decided I need one . It was cute and fun.
                    I do have plans to start on my winter project  , that probably work on with one of my brothers . So I guess I am making progress on building my new life and reality . I can say so far it feels good to back home in Michigan , maybe I should have never left in the first place. But you know as well as I do when your young , you are in a hurry to find your own way . We don't listen to the advice given us because  basically we were just hard  headed .

The need to do things right

                         Well its two weeks since I made that all difficult decision to leave an all to uncomfortable situation . So far I have reconnected with my family , found a job and set with a temp living quarter's . I would say some progress has been made . I still have long way to go towards getting my back on track . Yes I know things do not happen over night . My biggest concern is getting off on the right foot .
                          When I start having money coming in , I just have to remember the big picture and and only put it towards the important things like transportation , a place to live , and paying my brother's back for all their help . The important thing is get back up on my own two feet . Get to where I am taking care of my own needs , and still be able to help my family with their farms when I can .
                          One very important thing is I need to find the right of people to associate with . I do not want to get dragged into what I left behind . It would do me any good , I want to improve my life , not stay in the same boat . I am very far from retirement and just want be able to take care of myself . Relationships are the furthest from my mind , they seem to my biggest downfall . When I am in what think is one , I am blind what is reality .  So at this time or ever ; it would not be good to get involved in one  . If I feel I must I will just get cat or dog , that may all I can handle .
                               I did though leave behind a few good friendships behind with people whom I worked with over the years in Charlotte . I know I will miss these people . My job and professional relationships were not my problem . It was my home life that was really messed up . I hated leaving my job behind . It was where I went to get away from home . That is weird isn't it , most go home to get away from work but went to work to get away from home . It was where I went to get peace of mind and a chance to see my many friends . At this time the only people I see is my family and the people at my new job . My biggest fear right now is letting my family and the people I work for down . They are the one giving me the chance to build a new life for my self . I really need to do things right .

First day of work in

              It been a while since I worked as a line cook , have work hard at getting my chops back . Work the hospital like I did or even doing hay don't, even come close to working as a line cook . Half the battle is in the prep and knowing where everything is at .Well  that's not all of a good understanding of the menu . You also have to get along with the wait staff and the others in the kitchen .
                  Give me a couple of weeks and I hopefully will be on top of things in that kitchen . I am looking for a job that I can call home . I always tried to work a places long enough that it can be called mine .
                  Take the hospital for instance , I was there almost ten years , I developed the third shift position I held . But also you tend to work harder when your name is on the building , so to speak . Well when I worked construction when first got to Charlotte I hung the marble on the tower when it was built . On the back of one of the stones on the overhang ; I carved my name in it . So I felt responsible and ownership over what needed to be done .
                 Then when I was at the hotel , we were there so many hours that the people I worked felt like family . The guests were welcomed to our home . We worked hard together to see that their needs were met . Some weeks we were there at least one hundred hours a week . So we got to know each other very well . I hated that that job ended because it closed , because he sold it .
                To tell the truth I hated the fact that I left Charlotte NC altogether .When you live some where Twenty - five years , you kind of put roots down . You have friends and people you met or worked with all over town . You kind of get to know the city .You become a fan of the football team , you even like the basketball team . Heck you even think about going to a baseball game when you think its a boring game . I even went to see a play at the theatre . Oh let's not forget the art gallery crawls I went on . All this was brought down because the woman I loved got got involved in things I could not live with .
                   So I find myself having to build my life all over again . I can't think of any where better than here where I have family . The y have been a good support system . I going to be hard for to depend on there help when for the last 38 years all I had was me to depend on . On top of that I have to work my out of hole .I am starting over with nothing but my clothes . By all rights I should be in a better position in my life . But you know I will come out of this better and stronger than before .

Who would of thought

                  It has just a little over a week since I left a bad situation behind . It was not an easy decision . I was leaving a 12 year old relationship turned into something of which had made me uncomfortable . If had not of left , the situations I found myself in were not very kosher . I also left a good job that I liked , I was there almost ten years . Then were her grandchildren that I was around since their birth , and do forget the dog I loved . So as you can see it was not decision that could be easily made . I ended up doing what was best for me .
                  Within a week I had left a city that had lived in for 25 years and liked , and moved back to my home town that left back in 1977 . I had helped my brothers put hay for farms this past week and found a job that start tomorrow . So a lot of changes in my life . I even in my mind made plans to build a canoe , so I can be ready for next spring and summer of recreation . there are a lot of rivers and lakes around . I am finding that my future has brighter outlook than it was in over week ago .
                   Yes it was a bad feeling I had then . I felt like I was sinking quicksand . It was like I had no where to turn . I was living in a city where I had no family , it seemed there was no one to trust there . There was one that could turn to for help or even talk to .I could not turn to the people I worked with for you have to keep your work life separate from home life .It just not professional . At one point I didn't know what I was going to do .
                       I then got in contact with my brother whom offered to help , but made sure that had to be my decision . So he came and rescued me .  I have been depending on the help of my all my family here . They have been very supportive . Even my sister and daughter , all of whom live in other states . I have been reminded by many family members that in this time need and rebuilding , this is where I belong . I am very much more relaxed and finally comfortable in my own skin .
                        So in my future entry's I will probably be more positive . I will talking about my progress in reestablishing myself here . Maybe my progress on my canoe . I may even get started again on my book idea I have talking about for last couple years . All I know things are just looking up . Well until next time and do not underestimate the power of family . Something I forgot .

Settled

                         Its been busy couple of days for me , with job hunting for me ; a job interview that went south ,picked up an application for a grocery store , got my online profile at three sites , applied at a dozen or so jobs ,and have lead for two places in my home town . Something bound to turn up .
                         My brothers have plenty of work to do around the farms . Hay to be baled and put up in the barns by Saturday night . They have bee cutting for the last two days .It should be dry by Thursday . Right now I am sitting in front of the old homestead enjoying the cool breeze and the quiet . Its just so amazing the difference between now and a week ago .
                      Everyone here telling me how important , and good that I am back up here with family . Maybe so . I have not been around family like this since 1984 , that is quite some time , I have not been this relaxed in some time now . All have to is get me some work now . Place to stay has been taken care of . Just money to feed myself and get me to where I need to be . Loving myself now .

First sunday

           Well the first mourning on the farm . This Sunday the plan is to go to brother's church . Him and his family are into that sort of thing . Pray before dinner and so forth . I will go to see how that works out . Its been many years since I have gone .                  
              Monday start the job search , I know I will find anything on the first day , but here is to hoping . Last night I did not have to put up with all the traffic in out of the house . It was nice , all that is just not needed . I am going to have to learn how to get around here on my own like I did in Charlotte . That will a challenge with the way things are spread out . The bigger challenge is find a job for people approaching 60 . Its going to be challenging time in my life . I have to do for myself ,for now .

Off to new start somehow

             Well , I gone done it . I have made the hard decision , I have picked up stakes  , and left a relationship of Twelve years . Things were not as they seemed . I found in the last few months she put me some uncomfortable situations . These will not go into . There no need to for I am putting them behind me .
                I have the kindness of my baby brother to thank for helping me get of there . Today not even been here a day I helped gather together some firewood for winter. Filled an application for job at Kellogg's . Did more work , sweated more than I have in a long time .
              I plan on being employed before long , in my own place and my to being me . What ever that is , I do not plan on putting up with no mess just to be someone whom looks at as an afterthought or as in the way ,but she finally realized that you can leave all of a sudden they miss you and need you .
               When I said I can't do this no more , I meant it . There many times I thought the only way out was to jump of bridge in to traffic . It was just not a meaningful existence I was living . I plan getting me back what ever that is .

My Name is Not Tiny Tim

                At present moment I have no idea what future holds for me for tomorrow I am taking a huge leap of faith in myself . I am leaving everything I know ,including , what some consider a good job . I am making this change because I seem to have no control over my personal life . The only way I can see how to end the cycle , is to completely walk away .
                  Do not get me wrong I love the people in my life , they have been a part of it for nearly twelve years . I just that the women I love is not any good with money and now that we live together its not working out .  Situations keep coming up that I am not comfortable with . A times thing tend be on the shady side .Its just much of a change for me to like . We are always on verge of loosing everything . It to much of distraction for me to live and work with .
                     I know its late in the game for a sixty year old to start over again but I am in position that I have no choice . I will spending the rest of my life working to get out of this hole . I may never be able to retire . Its a fact I have to live with . I do feel that I am letting a lot of people down .
                    Its going to be hard with the present state that nation is in . I hopeful that we the people will effect that change in the coming elections . The man I am looking at is Trump .
We have had nothing but lawyers in office . My what we need is business man in office . Someone that understands the concept of you can't  make money without it . And looks at the bottom line " like is this really worth the money and the benefit received . Some who at afraid , and will not apologize for our being who we are . Its always are we going to offend someone by what we say or do .My name is not Tiny Tim , I will not tip toe through the tulips . I will stomp on them to make a better future for me and my country . Its time make that stand . By effecting this change in my life , I am saying I am sick and tired . I am not to take it anymore , its high time I get mine .