The final chapter has not been written !!!!

                     Well , here sit on a fall day , the looks great with light blue sky with white puffy clouds floating around . Started my day with bike ride into town ,met with a friend for a slow casual breakfast and coffee . It was a peasant mourning for sure . Ran into a few people I knew from many years ago . It seem as though it was another life time . One thing for sure is life is finally starting to feel normal .
                       I am still thinking about what wrote in my last few blogs , you about how a sixty year old should act . I seen and read a few think since
That made sense . Never act your age and your only as old as you feel . I think sometimes that I am in my twenty's , so I try to do as I did then ,but at times my body will let me , but I doing good for my age ,a five mile ride on my bike seems normal . Last week I did about 26 miles and felt good afterwards . But that statement " is that the way a fifty old should act " , that was made back then . So as sixty approaches , I can't help but wonder what will be expected of me when it does happen . Your age just changes , no books to study given beforehand , and tests are taken . It just happens and then your expected to know . Like it is absorbed by osmosis from the atmosphere or something .
                             All I know is I just keep living and doing what has to be done to make it work . I my take a few wrong turns , but who doesn't . We all had to have been there at some point . I just haven't experienced something's that most adults have at this point . I did not to grow up with my daughter as I should have . So I missed out on that . Through out my my working life I have always been around a lot of young people just starting their adult lives . So I have always had that youthful influence around me . I guess that is not a bad thing . So just how are you going to act . Hell I do know , I just enjoy life as comes and see what happens . The final chapter has not been written .

How am I supposed to act

                        Well , its been only two days since I asked the question " How should a sixty year old act ? " I have two responses to my question , I guess I should feel pretty good about that . I probably doing real good for a blog that only gets ten to thirty hits a day . Yep ,I do not get read by many people ,and don't get any comments very often about what I write. But right now I think I have  valid question . I Know with all the things happening in our world today , that people may pass over this for other things more concerning or entertaining . We live in a busy world , people's lives are bombarded with information constantly . I also know I can expect results in just two days .
                           One answer I got was " it depends "  . Well really that is saying a lot in just two words . Because it could depend on your religion , where you at in the world , your income , even your status in society . So you many different directions with that answer . It just a hard one to go with . But it is a start .
                 The other response I got was " like thirty year old but be twice as good at it . "  Well that was a good answer also but when I was in my Thirty's I don't really think I had my act together . At that time I was living moment to moment . I was letting the people around me ,the place I was at dictate my decisions . I went for what felt good at the moment with thought about the future . I had concept of the fact that I needed to build a life , a future . So that answer does not help me from my experience . It was a good answer though .
                        Maybe I should expand the question a little . How should a sixty year old act , what should they have accomplished , and should they have experienced by then ? I think that covers just about everything . Let me see where that will get me . I know I can not expect much with kind of hits I get , but will not worry to much about it . I have whole year to work on getting the answers and a whole year to improve myself , and where I am at in my life at this point . A lot can happen in 352 days ,  many changes can happen .                       

SURVEY : HOW SHOULD A SIXTY YEAR OLD ACT?

                As sit here thinking a question came to mind . Actually more a memory and thought did . As I am going to be 59 tomorrow , which mean next year I will be sixty . To get to my point when turned fifty , something happened that caused some one I knew to say to me "Is that the way a fifty year should act ? " . Well me being me my answer to that was " Hell I don't know ,turning fifty just happened , there was no test , I was not given a manual . So how in the world one suppose to act .
              With sixty approaching I am asking you all out there to help me . Respond to my blog with what you think a sixty year old should know and how you think he should act . So as I could put together a so called Manuel with you alls help . Think about it , would have helped you if there was some sort of book you could turned to when you reached mile stones in your life . like say twenty , thirty or forty for that matter . Would things be a lot different if there was some sort of guide you could of turned to . So please respond with your answers . And I will respond and share in kind through my blog .Who knows what may come out of this .
                  I would to add ,what should a sixty year should know by then and what should have experienced ?  Please leave some comments , I will use them future blogs this year . That question will be in thoughts trough out the year .

The best I can

                       This one going to take a couple of day to write. I want give this  one a lot thought . For on Thursday is my 59 the birthday . This mourning I got up and rode in to town for breakfast . The little place I went to is only open till two and they do breakfast all day . It just little place , and model cars and trucks all over place .  Fifties stuff all over the place . Its called Mel's Dinner . Its really cool to look at all the stuff . Its the kind of place where the men hang out in a corner and talk all mourning about every in life possible , the ladies also meet each other before going about their daily business . I had a real relaxing slow breakfast , enjoyed just sitting there .
                         I then walked around town checking out stores for a little metal lunch box that I could strap on the back of my bike . So I can carry a little snack or lunch for my long rides that I do occasionally take. I did manage to find something I could use after checking out three stores . I then went the local barbershop to get my hair shaped up . So I could look like something , not rag-a-muffin .
                           What this all have to do with my writing a long thoughtful blog ,that will take a couple of days to write . Well , if you don't know by now ,you have not been reading my blog all the long . Its all about feeling good about myself and moving toward with my life . Here I am turning 59 and starting all over again from scratch . I have been taking small steps to moving toward , with the job I have now its all about moving forward ,getting the cash flowing again . Once I get some form of motorized transportation , I can think about some serious job hunting . Something with benefits , full time ( yes , gotta have more hours ) and something where I can stand my own two feet . Something that I can build a future on .
                                 I have been very much at peace with myself and trying very hard to be that way . I also trying very hard not to be a burden on my family , been trying to be as helpful as I can for them . I look back on the years my life I see I have many , many wrong choices . A lot of times it was I was blind or ignorant of the the true facts of what was really going on . I was so intent on making things work  and long lasting I just didn't see or just didn't want see what was really happening behind the scene's. My professional life was great I had that under control , it was my personal life that spiraled . I am just very good at choosing life partners . They all say they looking for the something ,when really they are want their cake and everyone else's too . So I am realizing that I will spending the rest of my life by myself . Because no will look after me better than me and my family . I am not say relationships are bad , they are not . They are great if all are on equal footing and pull in the same direction .I just feel that after the many times I have tried and failed at this late stage of the game it not in the cards for me . It not the lack trying , its that I do not have it in me any more . I believe if I want company , it will have to be a dog or cat for me . They don't ask much of you , just make sure they are feed , healthy ant get some of your time . They always be there for you , and glad to see you all the time .
                                      I know not what lays ahead for me but I will take it on the best I can .

Just riding my bike

                      Well , yesterday mourning I went for a bike ride to a neighboring town , I took nothing but back roads the whole trip . In fact it was mostly dirt roads through a lot of farm land . It was very peaceful ride .I can tell you I was in no hurry to get there . It was OK , I'll turn here and see where this takes me . At the same time I proved to myself ,that you can not be lost around here . All the roads going east and west are named with the alphabet , all north and south are numerically named like 1 mile , 2 mile and so on .
                       Back to the ride , like I said I was in no hurry to get any where . I doubt I had the bike any higher than fifth gear , for the most part it was third and fourth all the way . It was going at a slow pace . I took in all the fields of crops , the woods that I rode through , the many streams I past over . Saw lots of farm houses ,many barns , silos and many different kinds of farm equipment along the way .  For the most part I was alone in my thoughts . The funny thing is I don't remember any of them except that I wanted to go to a buffet when I got back . What wonderful way to clear your head and be at peace with your self . And yes , we went to a buffet later in the day  . A wonderful way to top of a day is with a good big meal and afterward try to watch some football . When say try to watch , I mean it watched me more than watched it .
                            And so I retired early to the trailer and went to sleep . It was pretty much a clear night out . You saw a lot of stars and a few clouds in the sky .It did get a little chilly though , but that made for some good Sleeping . The chilly air did make it hard to get out from the covers . But I am glad I did because there is a beautiful blue sky with lots white puffy clouds this mourning . Had my pancakes and coffee at the picnic table under them . I think week I will go for a long bike ride in honer of my 59th birthday . Maybe try for a fifty nine mile ride or as close to it as I can get . We will see all depends on what my work schedule looks like . When do that ride I will try to write a blog about as much of the ride I can .

We will see

                    Here I am sitting in the screened room on the farm ,feeling a nice cool breeze , your can hear the leaves rustling . The birds are chirping  and the sun trying to fight its way through the clouds . There was a good storms during the night , that lasted till after the sun came up , expecting more tonight . I am hoping they will wait till I get to work though . It is so quiet here , I have up here since late June and I am still amazed by how quiet it is here .
                       When go on my bike rides , I see large open fields of crops every where I go , and not forgetting the patches trees scattered all over . Then riding has become very relaxing , and has become easier to go long all day rides . There is really so much to do around here and to see .
                        Since the beginning of summer I have gotten to where I watch very little TV .I am not as up to date , as to what is going on in the world . But living out here in the country it is just easy to get busy with something or not be busy and forget about the out side world . Yes , I know I should be paying attention , but what news you get is so slanted one way or other . So you don't know if you are getting the whole story .
                            Out here you get a lot of time to think or even not think . Shoot , not thinking is so easy to to do here . You can get relaxed sitting here looking over the fields ,right into the woods ; that you can loose yourself . All concept of time just disappears . Before you know it you look up and its time to go to work . Easily you can loose track of what day of week it .
                                Yes I made the right move , by come back home . I not making what I was , but I am at lest seeing my pay check and at least last me more than couple days . I am no longer getting that daily drama of so called emergencies . I can now think of and work on future needs . Not just the right now . I calmly just let the money just sit there till I need it . At this pace I can and will be on my feet in no time . Hopefully in four weeks I can have some sort of motorized transportation . Then I can really do some searching for a more steady income with a future and benefits . So tell me am I in the right frame of mind . Am I going about this in the right way . We will see .

Not waiting anymore

                             You know something , Its hard to make changes in your life . Here I gave up a damn good job in the city , because poor decisions in my personal life .If it was not for those decisions I would be probably in a good place right now in my life . I right now worry about not doing enough in moving forward , to be honest I possibly not doing enough . I help out my brother where ever I can around the house and farm . I know that is not enough . I really should by all rights be on my own two feet ,in my own place and able to get myself to and back from where I need to be .
                                 To be perfectly honest at times I do not know what should be doing to get there . I at times think I am passing up opportunities or not recognizing them when they arise . Beginning on Monday I am going to , no scratch that I must start spending a lot of time on line to find better opportunities . Part of what's slowing me down is transportation . Two more paydays I will have the money for a moped , will have start studying for the test and find a way to get there to take it . I will then start looking real hard at places in Battle Creek , Marshall or even Kalamazoo . I have quit dreaming about winning the lottery to solve my problems , like have for so many years . Don't get me wrong I am going to still play it . You can't win unless your in it .
                                  Seriously , I will have to come up with something , I really do not have many working years left in me . I am thinking though the winter project my brother have planed , could turn into a good side thing if I take my time and do a good job on it . Hopefully , when we take the canoes will build out the lakes they will be noticed . Maybe someone will ask about them , and ask us to build one for them . That a long way down the road . I have to think about now , the short term . What I need to do get me there . Basically I have get off my lazy butt . Yes said it lazy butt . I do and can be a bit lazy . One I have Changed is my addiction to TV . I am not watching it constantly and letting it control my time . I do need to get myself around people , that is where the best contacts are made when searching for good job . I am going to start going to church with my brother more . It is the one mom took us to when I lived here before . I do have some history with this church . I did the brick work on the sign out front . Maybe just to get involved with stuff around here . I cannot wait for things to come to me , if I do do nothing will change .
                            It awfully easy , just to back a wait for things to come your way . It's much difficult to go out there to find it . Only thing is you have to go online to find opportunities , it's not like the good old day's ; where you knocked on doors , shook peoples hand and looked them in the eye to show serious your were .about working for them . You have to apply online and hope your resume catches someone's eye . Then go through several interviews for them to consider you . During those interviews you have on your toes for any question they have . You have to be the best of yourself you can be and hope it is what they are looking for .
                              During this time of my life I would have never thought that I would be going through this . My dropping everything and leaving an uncomfortable situation was the hardest decision I ever made . In my late fifties I am exactly where I was when I was in my early twenties when I joined the Air Force . Right now I am wishing , no a better way to put it I am regretting not staying in ,like I could have .  But we can not dwell on decisions we should have made . That one of many decisions in my life I should made to go on a deferent path . I can not waste my time on thinking about this . Because each and every day we are faced with those kind of decisions . The what ifs are of no consequence , you are where are now and that is what you have to work with .

Some coffee ,a bike ride , hot dogs and thoughts

             Yep , today is better day for me . Off work the sun is out , had a nice mourning bike ride and now in town at a coffee shop . I have had few good days at work to , What really nice my home town is really quite , I am sitting at tables outside , sipping on my coffee and enjoying a muffin . From where I sitting I can see everything going on downtown . Its funny when I was in Charlotte NC , I always said I was going uptown . Really don't see to much happening here . A little bit of traffic , few people going to and fro about their business . May maybe you might see a few people stopping and chatting .
                I sitting in a cool spot at these bistro table outside the coffee shop . I am really the only one at the shop other than the people who work here . Since I moved back to the town I finished high school at . I really have not run into to many people who remember me . Although Sunday at church this old guy remembered I built the sign out front around 38 years ago . That kinda helped feel a little proud , some one remembered something I did . Shoot , here I am calling someone an old guy , I am pretty much one my self . Although I do still try to do things as if I am not , my body  reminds of that I am not at times . 
             When riding in I took one of the side roads that took me into town the back way . It was mostly dirt roads all the way . Didn't see to many people ,other than a tractor mowing the edges of the road and maybe a truck or two . It was all corn , soy fields and woods all the way . The side road in town had lots of old houses on them . There was a rather large farming operation on the way in also . Lots large barns, silo's , and some heavy duty farm equipment . Having graduated high school here it should seem normal to me , but remember I left some thirty-five years ago . 
                  Motorcycle's are a big thing here , you a lot big Harleys all around . And because all the rivers and lakes , you see a lot of kayaks and bass boats . What am I thinking , this is the Great Lakes State . 
                  The one thing I am a little apprehensive about is winter ,it is not far away . Yes know its got little to go till it gets here . The leaves on the trees are still green , they have not even started to change . That would be wonderful to see . I have been to far south for to long I guess .
                  Well I am adding to this post , its the end of the ride for me today . Rode  total of twenty seven miles today . Ten miles into town for some coffee and shopping . Took my time for that . Then of all things I rode about eight and half miles just to get two hot dogs and coke . It was at Station 66 on Mich Route 66 , and they were not any hotdogs . They were what they called Battle Creek dogs . They had smoked bacon , yes I said it bacon , grilled onions and cheese sauce , mmmm . The ride most relaxing and it was such a nice day for a ride . There is something to be said about what a bike ride in the county can do for your spirit .  There was great looking landscape and nice blue sky with some puffs of clouds in the sky . It didn't hurt that at the places I stopped at there were some nice looking ladies too . Saw a lot of tractors and trucks a long the ride . Oh yes , the motorcycles were out in force . This is a far cry from the city where I came from . Since I came back here to Michigan I have been more relaxed and calmer .It been a good change , still have a long way to go get where I was before . It will come in time .

Here's to felling lost

          This mourning when I woke up was a little cold , which is probably normal for Michigan this time of year . I really don't know for sure , the last real fall I experienced was in 1983 . That's when left , to go south with no real plan for my future . That may be the reason the reason my life is in the shape its in now . Living in a camper trailer ,a bike for transportation , and working a low wage job . I have no one to blame for my choice's but myself .
           I have to work tonight , and find myself with not much to occupy my with . I am living on my brothers farm so there not much here that belongs to me . I only just started the rebuilding process , so I don't have much of my own here . Can't really touch much of my money , because I need to save to get better transportation ,winter clothes that I do not have , and most important a place of my own to live . These are my short term goals . So there are a lot of things I must first think of before I do anything else .
               So there is the problem , a lot of down time , with not much of my own to occupy it with . School started , so my brother had start work again . So I guess the bailing hay is done for now . I spent the last three day's now mowing the three acres of lawn to occupy my time . It was very calming on the riding lawn mower . The reason I am writing about this is I Found my self feeling lost ; wondering what am I going to do with my time . I am also trying not to be to much in the way of my family here . At the same time I am doing my best to be helpful to them . Let's be honest , right now I probably be living on the streets with nothing to my name without their help . For that I very grateful and humbled . I really in my heart do not want to let them down , so each step I take must be the right choice  , and stick and be towards to goal of being on my own two feet .
                    My brother came up with a project for the winter , build a couple of wood strip canoes . I like the idea . But first things first before I come up with a couple of hundred dollars for this . My other needs come first . None the less I willcome up with the money to do this . I would love to have my own single man canoe next spring . Go out on the river and lake do some exploring ,take pictures and maybe some fishing to . The fishing I really have done to much of in my life . I guess could Learn on the job . I have tried a couple of times in Florida and really sucked at it . Now that I am older maybe I now have patience for it . Who knows I maybe good at it .
                     Another thing I could do that don't cost much is get back into my reading . There are a lot books around the farm that my dad left behind . He loved to read ,if there was something he wanted to know he bought a book about and read it . I guess I could do the same thing with my time . The mind is a tearable thing to waste , I might well exercise it to . Because my body gets a lot of that with all the bike riding I do .
                        On that note the fall probably a good time to do a lot of riding . With all the farms starting to harvest their crop's , the leaves will begin to change colours. So there will be a lot to see and take pictures of . Its been a long time since I have seen a real fall . Not to forget the football to watch when I can . Need to find out what radio station Michigan Wolverine's air their games . Ops ,sorry that is a note to my self ,did not for that to get in there . Thanksgiving is not to far away , I haven't done one of those in some time . I do have that to look toward to .
                       You see , the reason I went trough this exercise today is , I found myself at an loss for what am I going to next when got up this cold and chilly mourning . I wondered what am going to do to make some progress . It will be going slow , but I now realize I made some strides towards getting on my own two feet . One tends to forget progress is always slow going . You just have to find ways to stay focussed . So what will I do today before work . It looks like we may get some rain today . I do hope it stay's clear enough for me to ride my bike to work . Well looks like I will make some coffee and sandwiches . And settle in and read till its time to go .

IRRELEVANT

                Well , this mourning I am sitting here drinking my coffee waiting for the mourning dew to dry off , so I can Finnish mowing the lawns . There is something relaxing about being on that riding lawn mower . The nothing to think about but steering it safely around the yard . You have nothing time to let your mind go where it wants to go or needs to go . While on there , there is not a lot of demands of your attention ; so it can be pretty narrow . Good therapy for you , especially for me with all that am trying to recover and rebuild from . I guess you can call it a form of meditation .
                    The past two days I spent a couple of hours each working on the yard . I felt relaxed and ready for my bike ride into work and work it self . At the of the day I felt good of myself , although when I played down my eyes would not close for the life of me . I just laid there wide awake . But on the other hand if I did I would missed the clear sky last night . You could the stars every where , not a cloud blocking them , not forget about listening to the crickets and frogs singing their songs . At one point I could hear a bunch of dogs of in the distance  , some one must of been hunting raccoon or something . It sounded like they had something treed or surrounded . Amazing the things you can hear out here on the farm or see in the night sky .  Kind of makes all the past problems and the things that your going through to solve them irrelevant . I guess you can say I am making progress .